Pointless Walks......

  But what if I don’t have anything to write about? That’s a real worry I can tell you. They say write what you know. All I know is the beingness. All I know is being slightly unhappy and / or drunk. So where am I right now? I’m in the office on New Years day with about 4 other people because it ticks a box. I have another person working remotely who I don’t talk to because we don’t like each other very much. I don’t like him because he picked on someone who I thought was my friend. That person turned out not to be my friend. He was right about her. I was wrong. I want to tell him this, but I am not sure If I can. If I do it will be for the wrong reasons. It will be because it winds other people up.   It won’t be from a place of purity. I mean even if it was, he wouldn’t believe me. I just have that kind of personality. It’s all the barriers I put up to prevent exactly this kind of things happening. I let them down and it destroyed me. If only for a little while it destr...

Who? This time it was a woman with a pram. There wasn’t a baby in the pram. That’s what did it. That’s what annoyed me. It had jars of what looked like mayonnaise in it. Lots and lots of jars. Some of them full and some of them half full. I’m not sure is was mayonnaise. I didn’t hang around to taste it. Even if I had all the time in the world, I wouldn’t have tasted it. Why would you? I mean it looked like mayonnaise, but it could have been anything. Anything white and sticky. She had a headscarf on as well which annoyed me even more. A woman pushing mayonnaise in a pram with a headscarf on. She looked fed up anyhow, so she was probably very pleased. Where? Bristol. I like the graffiti and think that I might be Banksy. I black out sometimes. Who knows what I do in the shadows? Maybe paint? It’s very cold here and the Thekla is shut so I can’t get me no trip-hop or indie twee. That’s if they still do trip ho and indie twee. Just seems to be lads shouting now or different lads who ...

  This is love. This is from a place of love. This is from love island. I am an internet stalker. I watch and I look. Sometimes I smile and sometimes I cry. I like to know that you are ok. Are you ok? You seem ok. You seem happy. That makes me happy. I am glad you are where you are right now. Even if it killed me to get you there. Slowly. I am transitional. I am the inbetweener. I do it all the time. I hope it works out for everyone. It never really works out for me, but I get people there. That is my X-Man power.  When I met you, you were pretending to be happy. You weren’t happy although you had the sweetest smile. It even spread to your eyes sometimes when you weren’t looking. Super cute. Supergirl.  I used to listen to you telling everyone how blissful you were. I believed you. I believed you for about a year. Then I found out that wasn’t the case. Bruises and all. And then we were happy for a bit Not for very long. Just for a bit and why? Why would you be happy with ...

Well we are there. We are at the inevitable. We have talked about it (well I have) and now we have fallen out of love (well I have). You thought you could do better. So do that. Fuck off and do better. I have realised that I can do better as well. So I can do that. Nothing is better. I would sooner have nothing than this. When there is nothing there is nothing to care for and nothing to worry about. I would like to say there is no looking out the window at 2am but there still is. There will be for a long time. There will be for a long time because all I can do is pretend and put the shields up and then when I have pretended for long enough it will all be real, and I can put you in a box and slip you under the bed. Just like I said I would.  So, the days pass and get greyer and you wonder what is wrong, but you know what’s wrong. Of course you do. We wouldn’t be us if you didn’t. But we aren’t really us anymore are we? Now that you are the cheerleader and I am still me. I feel like ...

Are we done? Not yet. Soon. It was always 'I will see you soon'. Not so much right now. I can see an end to this. I have had enough. I give and give and give and nothing. I am never good enough. I am never your first, second, third choice. I thought I could fix you. You don't want to be fixed. Being broken is very much your thing. Laying at the side of the road in a million pieces. Waiting for someone to pick you up. Someone better than me. I have thrown money at the wall. I have thrown my soul at the wall. I have been the wall. What will happen if the wall is taken down. We will both be vapour. Every day I love you less and less. Every day I realise I have been an idiot. I am not want you want. So you can't have me. Not for much longer. I will always be there. I will alway hang around in the shadows.  You won't see me, but I will be there. I will pick you up when you fall over. Or maybe I won't. Who knows. Maybe I will have found someone by then who wants savin...

  It was just another morning in a long line of mornings. Everything was average. Thinking back I can't even remember what day of the week it was. It doesn't feel like it was a Monday or a Friday so I guess it was one of those midweek nondescript ones. Lets say it was a Tuesday. That feels right.  I am sure if I had known how important it was I would have made a note. I really should have made a note. I should have made a note. Some morning. It looked like it was going to rain. It always looked like it was going to rain. My life is as my country average, grey and in need of an umbrella. So get up. As quietly as possible for, y'know, reasons.  Go downstairs and watch an episode of whatever shit reality show I am watching this week.  Cook some sausages for breakfast. I know I will get shit for this. I will get shit anyhow so why not.  Get dressed making the minimum amount of effort possible I need to look grey, for my grey job where I work with grey people doing g...

 Another day passes. Wandering around to pass the time. The usual routine. Lush for a treat then go look at the records and the games and see if any are priced correctly. There was a man looking at the records really slowly. Stopping me. Bought some rubbish that I might end up liking and a film to watch. Went to the cinema. Sat on my own. Was mildly worried there might be some annoying kids in there but they ended up ok. Got some dinner, sat on my own. The only empty table was a table for six. Sat there and looked at the NME. A lady asked if she and her two children could share the table. How could I say no? Was odd that she asked. Not used to the politeness. 'Of course you can, have a seat'. Walked home and bought some chemicals and something that might fix my face. Having read it at home it won't. Walked the dog while listening to people talking about things that interest me in passing. Came home. Watching TV for babies as always. Then passing the time. Communicating or n...