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First




Who?

This time it was a woman with a pram. There wasn’t a baby in the pram. That’s what did it. That’s what annoyed me. It had jars of what looked like mayonnaise in it. Lots and lots of jars. Some of them full and some of them half full. I’m not sure is was mayonnaise. I didn’t hang around to taste it. Even if I had all the time in the world, I wouldn’t have tasted it. Why would you? I mean it looked like mayonnaise, but it could have been anything. Anything white and sticky. She had a headscarf on as well which annoyed me even more. A woman pushing mayonnaise in a pram with a headscarf on. She looked fed up anyhow, so she was probably very pleased.

Where?

Bristol. I like the graffiti and think that I might be Banksy. I black out sometimes. Who knows what I do in the shadows? Maybe paint? It’s very cold here and the Thekla is shut so I can’t get me no trip-hop or indie twee. That’s if they still do trip ho and indie twee. Just seems to be lads shouting now or different lads who don’t eat trying desperately not to be a pop band when they are. I mean they just hold their guitars. Might as well be holding a mop.

Why?

I think I’ve covered that. How many reasons do you need? I think it’s because the Thekla was shut. I could have gone there instead and found someone nice to talk to. This could all have been avoided. It’s not my fault.

When?

Just now. In terror twilight. Not the day. Not the night. The space in-between. The most oppressing time of the day. The time when the mediocrity never fails to eat you up. That’s when I get my saddest. That’s when I want to cry. Maybe I should get one of those lights that get rid of the SAD.

How?

Hit her multiple times. With a jar. Possibly mayonnaise. Took a while. Made a good noise. She looked like she was expecting it. The blood mixed nicely with the mayonnaise. It looked like that stuff you would stick a prawn cocktail in. That weird orange that’s kinda brown and doesn’t exist in real life.

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