The Last Sunflower

 This is love. This is from a place of love. This is from love island.

I am an internet stalker. I watch and I look. Sometimes I smile and sometimes I cry. I like to know that you are ok. Are you ok? You seem ok. You seem happy. That makes me happy. I am glad you are where you are right now. Even if it killed me to get you there. Slowly.

I am transitional. I am the inbetweener. I do it all the time. I hope it works out for everyone. It never really works out for me, but I get people there. That is my X-Man power. 

When I met you, you were pretending to be happy. You weren’t happy although you had the sweetest smile. It even spread to your eyes sometimes when you weren’t looking. Super cute. Supergirl. 

I used to listen to you telling everyone how blissful you were. I believed you. I believed you for about a year. Then I found out that wasn’t the case. Bruises and all.

And then we were happy for a bit Not for very long. Just for a bit and why? Why would you be happy with me? Why would anyone be happy with me? I am not happy with me. 

Inevitably it fell apart. It always was going to wasn’t it. Lost cats get found but sometimes they just stay lost.  I knew that last time. I knew it was the last kiss. You sometimes don’t but this time I did.

I can remember driving home that day. I remember it very well. I remember the infinite sadness that followed. 

And then I got drunk. Very drunk for a very long time. I broke some things. I broke some speakers. I have better speakers now that are too big for the shelves they sit on. They sound good though. 

I stopped checking on you. I let you go. Then one day someone said they were going to your wedding. Like 3 months later.

I did tell you that would happen. I always said that. You never believed me. It did happen though. I am always right even when I am wrong.

I checked on you and my how you had changed. You looked completely different. I squinted and I could still see you. The glow was there. There was still as spark that I recognised.

Then all the emotions hit at once. Everything flooded back in. Mainly negative. I felt bad for a while. I looked at what I could have had. I looked at what could have been but never would have. I looked at you so beautiful, so happy.

And that’s it. Happy. That’s all I ever wanted for you. And now you were. 

And I am happy too. I still have a little bit of a space in my heart for you. It glows. It glows because you are happy. 

Well I hope you are. I hope you aren’t just pretending. 

I would like to think you might read this.

I would like to think you would check in on me the way I check in on you. 

I doubt it though. 

But that’s ok.

That’s all I’ve got for you for a while. See you next year. I love you.

Always.