Pointless Walks......

So all she does is dance ALL DAY? And people watch her? What is wrong with the world? What is wrong with me? Lonely I guess. Some girl dancing in America is the closest I can get to company. She's not even my type. Anyhow. Weird weather because it's kind of cold and yet kind of warm at the same time, Super hard to explain. You kind of have to be here. Watched a couple of films. Free Solo is the the doc that won the Oscar. It's about climbing. V.Good. 4 G's. Bad Times at the El Royale is also pretty good. Far too long though. Needs to lose half an hour and it's very unsurprising in the way it tries to be surprising. 3 G's. In other news everyone is mad panicking at work as they have massively overstaffed the place again. Like they do EVERY YEAR and everyone is sitting around doing nothing. Assassins Creed is OK. Can't really play it and listen to podcasts though which is what I try to do. My reading is predictably terrible. The cows are still hi...

100. Wow. I really don't have a life. Half watching Attack the Block fam. I saw this at the cinema. When we saw EVERYTHING at the cinema. Happy times. It went ok. We ate Doritos and drank fizzy wine and the only complaint was that the salsa was too chunky. What can I do? The Oscars were ok. 2 1/2 hours flew by. It's lost about 90 mins by not having a host. Carry on doing that. Sophie from Peep Show won. Withnail didn't. Happy / Sad. I have ONLY eaten Dorito's today. And some jelly beans. Walked the dog. Had a bath. Average. Bought Assassins Creed (again) which I seem to do nearly every year. I imagine I will play it for about 2 hours and then never ever go back to it (which I seem to do every year). £50 well spent. Blood Orange vodka as you asked. I need to remember to unlock the door. Maybe it might be better if I didn't. Let see how that works out. Say hello. Please. I miss you. Watching Twitch a lot which I don't really understand. I like th...

Watched The Mother of Tears for the second time in 12 years. It's still terrible. Things we used to do #1 We used to watch the Oscars together. It was a thing. We used to get dressed up and drink fizzy wine and eat cheesy nachos. It was fun. It was a mass panic trying to avoid finding out who had won. We did it. We did it for years and years and years. Last year you decided you would sooner go out with your mum. Cheers. So I haven't watched them yet. I did however go on the internet and immediately had two of the winners thrown at me like spoiler bricks. I was trying to avoid as I do in the hope we can watch them tomorrow. There will be no dressing up. There will be no fizzy wine and there will be no cheesy nachos (unless I make effort which I am pretty sure will be a massive waste of time and money). I imagine you won't want to watch them for 'reasons' so let's see how that works out. Let's see how that works out. Food allergy is a massive thing at ...

So I have started reading something proper. I am re-reading The Bell Jar and as expected I am reading about one page a day. I just don't think my mind wants something deep at the moment. Nothing to think about. I have been watching loads of shit films (hello Good Luck Chuck, Instant Family and The Package). I just need my mind to be in a neutral gear. My attention span has always been terrible. I am either not interested at all or very rarely super interested. This explains my obsession with constantly playing Dark Souls. Or does it? I am not sure what I am saying at the moment. What I am thinking. What I am doing. I am really just writing this for the sake of writing it. I know that if I stop I will stop forever and let it go out into the ether. 202554 people have watched a man complaining about a hotel room, That includes me. I have been for a walk and eaten two decent type meals only one of which I made. I also made far too much egg for sandwiches so I have been living o...

And then the idiots walked in... With their headphones and their music and their little private worlds. With their phones and no headphones to broadcast to the world. And then the idiots walked in… With their problems and their windows that they never had time to look out. With their instant microwave burgers that hid their disease so very well, And then the idiots walked in… And they parked their scooters in their lockers and quietly walked away. Posting their Jalfrazzi so the world could come and see it and say how much they loved it. And then the idiots walked in… Laying on their trampolines and soaking in the summer. They realise its February and push the rain away. And the idiots walked in… With their season passes and their unlockables and there free to pay esthetic. With their 4K HDR and 64K ram packs and forget their rubber keyboards. With their rice that they start sniffing and their endless leaving meals. With their visits to the car wash and ...

There is an argument that Come Dine with Me is the greatest program ever on television. Now is not the time for that argument, but it's there. It's like a late summer day in February. I hung my washing out and it mostly dried. You like to think you are over the hump of winter but its probs hiding around the corner just waiting to fuck you up. I seem to be interested in The Division 2 to the extent I have spent £92 on it. Who knew? Other than that, a day off. Did a bit of shopping and walked the dog. Played some games that I didn't really enjoy and planned for when I am abandoned. An all night party with supermodels (well not supermodels as they all seem like a bunch of cunts but pretty 'girl next door types') lots of drugs and a bottle or two of spirits. I am not sure what spirits as I don't seem to like them any more but some. It will have to be done. I will have to invent a program that locks out all form of communication for that night otherwise thing...

I first heard them say your name yesterday. Then they said it today. I hadn't heard anyone say your name in a long time. A long time since you died. They said you were coming back. It couldn't be you could it? You couldn't do that. I didn't know how I would feel. I felt a sense of dread. Then I was tense. I didn't want to collapse again. You couldn't come back. Why would you? How could you? You were dead and buried and had a new face. Redesigned. A new you. Still the old you. Then I felt excited. Then I felt happy. I hadn't seen you in so long. I had stopped laying flowers at your grave a long time ago. I had to. Every flower had a piece of me in it. I didn't want to know you were not in your own heaven. Not blissfully happy and flying with the angels. You lived in a cottage by an open fire. You baked for your children while a guitar played an actual tune in the background. You were the tomorrow. I couldn't imagine a life without you in...

On eating. A bit of  self therapy here. Thats why I am here anyhow. Why do you come? I am eating far too much at the moment. I am also eating far too much crap. I am not enjoying this and it's not helping me not be down with the sickness. Lets look at the reasons. 1 - There is a LOT of shit that appears. There is not much healthy shit. I am not the only person comfort eating. I don't buy a lot of rubbish myself but it appears all over the place. Other people seem to like to watch telly and eat crisps and never have anything proper. This means that a lot of other people buy a lot of crisps (and chocolate, and cakes, and sweets) but never anything proper. It's therefore easy for me to have a dinner of crisp sandwiches and toffifee (yesterday). I hate throwing food away (any food). It proper does my head in. I can't tell other people not to spend all day eating crisps and watching telly. They will think I am being mean. I can however just leave the shit to decay. ...

Watched Elimination Chamber which the rest of the world seemed to enjoy more than me. It was ok. It wasn't 7 hours long so that gets it a pass. Have since been playing Crackdown 3 and listening to podcasts about Elimination Chamber which the rest of the world seemed to enjoy more than me. Didn't sleep very well last night mainly due to the dog being a dog. Feel a bit out of it so just waiting to go to sleep today and hoping I feel a bit better tomorrow. Ate my body weight in crap today so probs not. It's weirdly cold but not cold. As ever it's just my extremitys that get cold and the rest of me gets too hot. Can't win. Work was OK just got on with it really. Didn't have much time to get annoyed. Sometimes thats for the better. Who likes fermented vegetables? What are fermented vegetables? Do they mean like picked onions? I need clarification on this. I might go to bed and read my shit girl book. I can't think of anything else to do. I am just (on...

Sad. Lonely and still ill. Poor me. Sometimes there are dozens of people around me and I feel like I am not there. Sometimes there are dozens of people around me an it is just too much. My head is too busy. Put it all in a box. Watched How to train your dragon 3. It was ok. Half watching The Wrestler. It's good innit. Going to seem Stan and Ollie with my dad later. That will be nice. I wonder how many more times I will be able to do things with my dad. Sadness. I feel separate. That's a good word. Playing Dark Souls again. Thats never a good sign. It's quite nice out. It's like the end of summer in the middle of winter. The snow never arrived and maybe it never will. Sales of sledges are down. Stop bringing me thangs that are bad for me. Bad food. Bad drink. I guess I don't actually have to consume it. A revelation. It's the Oscars in a week. That used to be a thing. It's not really a thing any more. Marisa Tomei is 55. Wow.

Packaging on food telling me how terrible it is for me. I don't want to know. Emails telling me about the new things I can buy. I don't want to know. Post telling me how much debt I am in because of the things I have bought that I didn't want. I don't want to know. Something has broken in the house. I don't want to know. Something else has broken in the house. I don't want to know. Other people having a simply marvellous time. I don't want to know. You are deliriously happy. I don't want to know. You're not. I don't want to know. The opening times of the cross fit centre. I don't want to know. The price of various creams for my disease. I don't want to know. It's your birthday but you don't want to be friends. I don't want to know. You speak Japanese very quickly. I don't want to know. How much gas and electricity is used when I am not in the house. I don't want to know...

It's Valentines day but the less said about that the better. It's over. Good. Got beer as a present. Can no-one see what I am trying to do here? Have a lot of aches and pains but my cold is a bit better so moving on. I am the Dot Cotton of the internet. Complain complain complain. Nothing has happened. Again. Spent the morning running around doing things that won't be good enough. Went to work and tried to avoid talking to people because I don't have a voice. Came home and ate some chips. Had a bath and watched some Heroes (S01E09). Revolving. Still trying to find a game to play. Sold Resi 2 and have just read there is free DLC tomorrow so that was a very me mistake. Fuck Mass Effect for making me look for things I can't find. Fuck Divinity for having shit camera angles and having too many buttons to press. Giving Mad Max another try. Let's see how that works out. I have Tuesday night free and absolutely nothing to do. I need to fill that gap. It...

I am ill. Have a cold and can't talk. My job is talking. I tried not to do that all day. I was quite good at it. I have also done something to my back so as I can't stand up straight. I am in bed and it's not 9:00 yet. This is the best place for me. I have a sink that is too small and a bathroom cabinet that is too big. Who thought that would be a good idea? Not the person paying for it to be sure. It also doesn't drain for some reason as the bottom of it seems to be flat. It's rubbish. I can't get any cold water in the kitchen. It worked and it worked and then one day (when I wasn't there obviously) it stopped working. No-one seems to know why. The floorboards in the bedroom have started creaking really loudly. How did that happen? When I have to get up 20 times per night because I need the toilet or I am overheating and need a drink then makes me need the toilet it's super loud. There is a nasty draft. Oh new stuff on the piles of old stuf...

So I went to work when I didn't have to and I watched Hall Pass when I didn't have to. I need to rethink my life choices. Played a bit of Mass Effect Andromeda (again) and still find it. confusing mess. Played a bit of Spyro 3 as well but wasn't into that either. Come on Crackdown. Be good. Get me back into games. Its the week when I don't have to go in till late which is a good thing. It means I don't have to get up into the cold and the dark and it means I don't have to spend as much of the evening on my own. Let me just turn this You Tuber off. He is a bellend. Different You Tuber. More acceptable but fake. Just background noise. All my life is background noise. Apart from the background noise. I don't really think I have anything more to say so let me find something to copy and paste to fill the space. From my bio... I was born and nothing much happened. I was ignored a lot by my parents (although they will deny it now) and I didn’...

Watched Opera again and enjoyed it a lot. Much more than last time. I wasn't pissed which may have helped. It's still a bit slow bit when its great it's really great and the ending is still as bonkers as ever. Have also started rewatching Heroes which as I remember has a great first series with a shit last episode and then is just alright. The roof is fixed after many delays and thats one less thing to worry about. All I have to worry about now is paying for it. For this reason I am doing overtime at work which is not very me at all. In other news nothing new is happening. Wide spread panic at work as to if we will all be employed this time next year due to twats and old people voting to leave Europe. I am glad you enjoyed and benefited from being in the European Union and now you are going to die you don't want us to be in it any more. Cheers for that old people. And racists. And idiots. And David Cameron. I have the next in a series of seemingly endless colds ...

From IMDB 1981 -  A former summer camp caretaker, horribly burned from a prank gone wrong, lurks around an upstate New York summer camp bent on killing the teenagers responsible for his disfigurement. 2018 -  Jong-su bumps into a girl who used to live in the same neighborhood as him, who asks him to look after her cat while on a trip to Africa. When back, she introduces Ben, a mysterious guy she met there, who confesses his secret hobby. So the original THE Burning is a horror film I saw when I was about 12 and one of the ones that got me into horror cinema in the first place. I understand it's not amazing but it's a special film to me. What is wrong? 1981 - If you accept it for what it is there is not a lot wrong with it. The major Hollywood stars (Jason Alexander, Holly Hunter) ruin it. You also need to see an uncut version which was quite hard to do at one point. Not sure of the state of things now. Probs easy/ 2018 - It's far too long. If...

Time stopped for everyone but me. I don’t mean that in the same day someone else would mean it. I don’t mean it in the same way someone would be waiting for their favourite football player to score a goal. Time literally stopped.  I don’t know how but I knew everything was going to be ok. There must be a reason for this. I think in my heart of hearts I knew the reason. My brain just refused to click and acknowledge it at that moment. So the baby who was not moving or making a sound was OK. I knew it was going to move and make a noise again. I knew it would be happy and more beautiful than I ever could have imagined.  The fact the shower was not moving he droplets were suspended in the air was not a worry. It looked like a film. I was in a film. I was always a bath person anyway. Even when it leaked through the floor below.  There was also a dog who was frozen in the middle of barking. That also looked cinematic. The silence was lost. That also wasn’t an issue. ...

Went to see Battle Angel Alita Battle Angel Gunnm as it's something I have liked for many many years and have looked forward to the film for a couple of years. It was good enough. Not amazing but good enough. It looks weird and it ends at a weird point like they made a four hour film and forgot the second half. It made me want to watch Ready Player One. Which I did. In 3D. It is not better in 3D. Had my haircut. The women was nice enough but was the stereotype and actually asked me about holidays. There is no need to speak. Enjoy the silence. Or sing. A singing hairdresser would be nice. As I had my hair cut last in March of last year I guess I can look forward to seeing her again next year. I miss Kate. Come back. Spend a shit ton of money on a shit ton of shit because I had to get some money for the roof so why not? Want me to break it down? Opera and Heathers BluRay from Base - gotta get them as they are two of my favourite films. £27.08 Some YouTube game I fancied ...

Put £10 on my phone. That will last me till about June.  On the same day my phone case broke. It was a sign. As it was still under 'warranty' , as per Amazons website, I asked them to send me a new one. Madness followed while talking to people in India pretending to be called John. I fucking hate Amazon. Why are they so convenient? I ended up velcroing my phone to the case as it was less hassle. Rewatched 'Happy Death Day' which is good fun and they have made a sequel for. Quite looking forward to not seeing that because I can't go out ever. Realised about half an hour in that the program I am watching on Netflix (Russian Doll) is essentially the same thing. The roof man was supposed to come today but it was raining so he didn't. I am reading 'You had me at hello' which I think is supposed to be a girl book. It's easy reading and it's one of those books where each chapter is about 3 pages long. So a book for idiots really. I am quite liki...

This is a presentation I did for a job 5 years ago back when I cared. I didn't get the job. An idiot did. He ended up getting sacked and accusing the people who gave he the job of fraud. It was the first step on a long road to me giving no fucks. I mean I don't mind not getting a job. I do mind them giving the job to a useless prick. It means I am worse than a useless prick. On a side note someone else they gave a job to rather than me is now in prison for being a mental sex pest. I guess I just have one of those faces.  I have removed a bit so as not to bring the company I work for into disrepute. They are amazing. Anyhow.... Have you ever been lost? Can you give me an example? How did that make you feel? How much time did that waste for you? I know that I have been in that position and the amount of frustration it caused. The number of arguments I managed to get into with the people lucky enough to be travelling with me.  I wanted to stay out of this situation...

Finally getting to the end of Daredevil which I started watching about 10 years ago. I have also finally finished Sabrina. All the uses of the word finally would suggest I am not enjoying them very much. This is true. Better than watching The Undatables though which I find to be exploitative and seedy. Nothing much else happening. Things are grinding by. The worst month is getting closer to the end which means it's all up until December where everything falls apart again. Thats a good 10 months of things just being on the right side of terrible. Liking a lot of Ambient music at the moment. Not sure what that says about me. Finished rereading the first two Vinyl Detective books to remind me for when the new one comes out in May. Can't be bothered to read the third one just yet as I only read it a while ago. I might do though later. Roofing man has quoted £900 which is nicely adding £100 on to what he told me it would be. I have no way to pay this but have to get it done....

I had always had voices in my head. Usually my own telling me to do some things or off on a fantasy somewhere. There was always noise there all the time unless I blocked it out. Block it out with alcohol, block it out with drugs, block it out with LOUD FUCKING MUSIC block it out with something. Anything. The voices always came back. I had kind of gotten used to it. Years and years and years this had been going on. I wondered if everyone was like this or it was just me.  On the day the sun didn’t rise the voices went away. It was silent while it was dark. Nothing there. Not hearing the voices made me think I was going mad. Silence. I could hear the wind and it scared me. I could hear the sound of the drones as they flew about. Had they always been there? I don’t remember noticing them. The sun stayed away for a while and so did the voices. Then the sun came back. The voices also came back but they weren’t my own. They were other peoples.  At first a whisper in the ...

What a weird film. Gasper Noe innit. Great dancing though, You can skip the first 45 minutes unless you are into dancing. Does pick up though with some none dancing related horror after that. Lot's of screaming. Anyhow... Do you exhibit glib and superficial charm? I don't know what this means. No. I am not charming. Superficially or otherwise. Do you have a grandiose (exaggeratedly high) estimation of self? I hate myself and I want to die. No. Do you have a constant need for stimulation? Very much so, but only certain non stressful kinds. Yes. Are you a pathological liar? A liar? Yes. Pathological? I don't think so. Maybe when I am drunk. Are you cunning and manipulative? I think I am and have been, but I am really shit at it. Maybe. Do you have lack of remorse or guilt? Some things I should feel guilty about I don't. Other things, sometimes. Do you have shallow affect (superficial emotional responsiveness)? If I know what this means. No....

Another Saturday working for the world’s best tech support line. Here’s the play by play. Have been here about 10 mins and already set up for the day with multiple drinks prepared so I don’t have to leave my desk. There are sniper towers up around the building in case I stand up. There is a red dot painted on my head. Everyone appears to be in a big group apart from three randomers scattered throughout the building. Left alone. I don’t know if they are happy or sad about that. It’s good to have company but hell IS other people. The building stinks of spoilt milk. Weeks and weeks’ worth all piling up and poured away. Separated and making the world smell of decay. Animals.  Nothing happening and then everything happening. Repeat. Someone behind me watching me write this. A ghost. A ninja ghost. If only she knew. It’s good to not have to worry about the doors behind me bursting open and the thought police taking me to task. The people that don’t have doors behind them don...