February 2nd

Another Saturday working for the world’s best tech support line.

Here’s the play by play.

Have been here about 10 mins and already set up for the day with multiple drinks prepared so I don’t have to leave my desk. There are sniper towers up around the building in case I stand up. There is a red dot painted on my head.

Everyone appears to be in a big group apart from three randomers scattered throughout the building. Left alone. I don’t know if they are happy or sad about that. It’s good to have company but hell IS other people.

The building stinks of spoilt milk. Weeks and weeks’ worth all piling up and poured away. Separated and making the world smell of decay. Animals. 

Nothing happening and then everything happening. Repeat. Someone behind me watching me write this. A ghost. A ninja ghost. If only she knew.

It’s good to not have to worry about the doors behind me bursting open and the thought police taking me to task. The people that don’t have doors behind them don’t have to worry.

Am I repeating myself (yes). That’s about right. Same old day in and day out. 

It seems to have snowed everywhere but here. 

Now it’s just a waiting game. Everyone else seems to take so much time. 

Drip.Drip.Drip.

I have a computer program emailing me about what to do. That is progress. At least the red light has gone. That was just a bad idea from someone it didn’t effect.

Speaking of which. No management here again. They need their rest.

Let’s read what trade effluent has been pouring out of the pipe?

No-one knows who is supposed to be here and who is not supposed to be here. I think they spent too much time sorting out a drunken booze up in a place that creates beer. I guess the computer that tells us what to do knows. It’s not the one on the phone though.

Chaos. Love it. Watch me smile as I watch you drown. 

I have been on shift for five minutes. 

Drip.Drip.

A note from management. Copied and then pasted. Some words changed. Plausible deniability.

PLEASE do not put bad onions down the toilet. 

If you spill a drink CLEAN IT UP.

The reason for the stink yesterday was because spillages are not being cleaned.

Also please can you make sure you chuck away out of date meat from the freezer.

               

Thank you

Fault on line.

Oh dear.

First attempt at contact. No-one there. Happy days. Actually speaking to someone is always such a chore. 

I think I have lost a chunk of my breakfast bar. Not sure though. Insanity.

Here comes the small talk. Like the worlds brownest train. Slowly trickling into the station. Everyone telling me what they are doing. What am I doing? Oh nothing thanks for asking. Nothing nice. Never. Not me. 

The benefits of the Def Leppard Hysteria album. Is it good or is it terrible. Answer. It is both. 

Someone doesn’t know what Genie in a Bottle is about. Bless.

I am not using punctuation marks today. Sorry about that. 

It’s nice to have the radio on. It makes all the difference. Lot of adverts though. Any roofers out there? That do flat roofs?

Wish I could put something good on. Bring my record player and play The Bug vs Earth album. That would make the time fly by. Ideally at volumes where I couldn’t hear other people. 

Never apologise. Never explain. You are using too many words for this conversation. Remain. In control. 

People walking around like they own the place. It makes me laugh (inside obviously). Always been the same. Never changes. The people that know what they are doing and never doing what they know. Just idiots that are selling how great they are and other idiots who are buying that because it makes their life easier. It’s a funny place to be sometimes. Other times it makes you want to jump out of the window onto the flat roof 2ft below. 

First phone call. He has no info. I can’t help him because of this. This is apparently my fault. 

Half the team has gone for a walk. It happens. Its ok I will sit here and do the work. You have a wander. I will just carry on trying to get blood out of the stone on the other end of the line. 

Oh Bryan Adams is on. Take as long as you like. The Summer of 69 in the Winter of 2019.

Sixty six.

Yeah you call me back when you have any information I can use at all to allow me to book the job. That would be just great. 

Seventy one.

I am drinking lemon in water. That must be why I am so bitt-ah. My spine is broken. That is why I am so twisted. 

Drip.Drip.Drip.

It sounds like the world has woken up. I have been here less than an hour. I have lost the will already. 

Someone is asking me a question they already know the answer to hoping that I won’t know the answer. This happens a lot. I know what you are doing. I do know the answer. Now go away. They will possibly keep trying and get someone who doesn’t know the answer. Then they will win. I haven’t had an argument about how cold it is yet. Can’t wait for that. It will be special. It always is. 100 times a day it is special. 

Eighty four.

Oh we are all busy and stuff. Terrible. How did that happen? It’s not much fun but it makes the clock go round a little bit more quickly. My life will end sooner. Happy days. 

Going to the toilet. This will be a highlight. It was.

Ah buying a house. It’s so much fun at first until it starts falling to bits. I am sure you will have a lovely time. You know, paying for it forever. Making you have to go to work to fill it with shit. Stopping you doing all the exciting things. Oh and yes, you can have your own room, until you can’t anymore and all your stuff goes in the loft and there is NOWHERE left for you to hide. Enjoy. 

Seventy three.

Up and down up and down.

I can only do these things when no-one is sitting with me. Hanging on my every word as I write. They would ask me what I am doing and why I am doing it. I wouldn’t have a good answer. Just passing the time. Slowly.Growing.Down.

Drip.Drip.Drip.

I am going to find if lemons are good for you.

FACTS

As a rich source of vitamin C, lemon juice protects the body from Immune system deficiencies. Drinking lemon juice with warm water every morning helps in maintaining the pH balance of the body. ... Lemon juice with warm water is also good for your dental health as it helps with toothache and prevents gingivitis.

That’s good to know. 

I just drink it because it makes water a little less boring. 

The music is getting blander and blander and blander. Still better than listening to other people though innit?

It looks quite nice outside. Welcome. Welcome. This is sun.

February is my least favourite month of the year. Fact. It is also the shortest. How lucky am I?

I feel very very very very lucky.

Someone else from another company asking me how they do their job. I don’t know how to do my job for the company I work for so I can’t really help you there pal. No need to get upset. They’ll be open now. Don’t worry. India is always open.  It’s 12 minutes past 4 there right now. 

I hope they are having a lovely time while you are here bouncing your ball. 

It’s too noisy to hear what individual people are saying. That’s always amusing. It’s a wall of sound for now. Like the Ronettes or something. But shit.

We have reached the stage where everything levels out and nothing much is happening. Things are just progressing like a production line. Things are moving slowly but smoothly and nothing of any interest is happening. All there is to do is listen to the music and wait for something to arrive do disrupt the calm. 

I am being sent emails where they just make a statement and don’t actually ask me anything. This means that they want an argument. I just delete these and don’t respond. If you are just making a statement I accept that statement and move on to the next person I can actually help.

I await further statements or queries regarding why I haven’t responded to your statement. Literally cannot wait. You are the first person to do this. No-one has ever tried this before. Control the silence. 

And breathe. 

Got my first 2019. Yes. That was exciting. Now done for the year. 

Sixty one. 

Oh an advert for a holiday I will never go on. Mind you Turkey is rubbish anyhow. I wonder how I would get on going on holiday now as most of the visit is usually based on how I can drink a lot. Maybe I could enjoy the country and the culture. As I am not going to be able to go away for about 15 years I guess that’s something I don’t need to worry about too much. 

A coin has appeared on my desk. It looks American. I don’t know where it has come from or what it is. It’s kind of cool though. Wish I could see better. 

Might run a spelling and grammar check on this (which I NEVER do) just for shits and giggles. 

Ok done that and have realised I have created my own rules for grammar that exist outside the norm. Aint I clever?

No I am not. I work here. If I was clever I would be doing something worthwhile with my life. Oh well maybe when I am reincarnated I can try harder and I will be doing something better. Either that or I will be a grasshopper. 

Let’s drink some sugar free cherry coke which is far too sweet and would (as would everything) benefit greatly from having vodka in it. In a cup of course. I am not a savage. 

Avril Lavigne then and now. Still amazing. Just not as amazing. I am not a skater boi though so I have no chance. Avril Lavigne had a nice Squier Telecaster that I liked but would never ever buy because it’s like a Squier. Urghhh. 

This is the traditional time when most people think that we are shut which is great. We are not shut but can pretend while we listen to Michael Jackson but not one of the good ones.

Leave me alone. 

Have just discovered I cannot see out of my left eye. Hardly at all. My pop cup covered my right and everything went a bit blurry. No wonder VR gives me the headaches. Still don’t know why it dehydrates me though. There is nothing about that on the internet. It must be just me. 

More bland music. Just sitting there like a cheap loaf of bread with no butter on it. 

On the downwave now. About an hour left. Wondering how little I need to do. Thing is when I get home it’s just going to be miserable there so I might be as well stay here. The highlight of the afternoon will be a dog walk. Can’t wait. Then I will be have to sit in a horrible hot house that will make me want to rip my skin off. I will more than likely be being shouted at while I am wanting to rip my skin off.  At least the temperature here is ok. That’s one thing. 

The only thing. Oh and the fact I can listen to Roxette. Obviously.