Carnivorous Rainbows

 The fact that I now take prescription pain killers for non-prescription reasons is giving me a permanent hangover. It’s like the sun is shining in my eyes all the time. Luckily, I have sunglasses.

It’s like when you are driving down a beautiful road with the desert on both sides and some plants you can’t identify walking past slowly like they are going somewhere fast. Then suddenly your body remembers all that you drank last night. ALL OF IT. All at once.

It’s like hearing the voice of your ex saying things she would never have said to you. Things she would never have said before. Things she would never have said.

When you have a constant headache its like you don’t have a headache at all. It is the constant. There is no other form. I have tinnitus. It’s always there. Too many sticking my head inside massive guitar amplifier for no apparent reason. Point is, I don’t notice it unless I remember to. A constant high frequency whine.

I keep thinking about not taking them. There is however a risk that I will collapse under the sadness and the anger and the weight of everything. Under the weight of myself. I can’t really risk that. It didn’t work out so well last time. At least I was able to take delivery of a record. A good one by Dalek. Which is Dialect really and not one of those wastemen from Doctor Who.

I should listen to that when I get home. It’s a bit of a headache record. Not as much of a headache record as Carnivorous Rainbows by Our Love Will Destroy the World or Twin Infinitives by Royal Trux.  Still headachy though. Unless you are in the right mood of course. Then it’s untold.

Anyhow. I am not actually sure what I was prescribed the pills for in the first place. It all seems so long ago. Something to do with my back, but my back never actually hurt. It just stopped me walking straight and then walking at all. It never actually hurt though. I think they might have been prescribed to get me through the difficult season of knowing I was going to die. I mean I didn’t die obviously but it was touch and go for a while and to be honest go might have been the right option. That’s a story for another day. Or have I already told it? Things are hazy at the moment. The sounds and colours are all starting to blur. Carnivorous. Like a rainbow. Infinate.

I knew I shouldn’t have taken so many. I can cope. I can do other things to get me throught the day. There are eternal things. Countless things. How many was it? One, Two, a dozen? Who cares? It all s e ems so irr el ev ant no w. N oth ing mat ter s. Fina l l y . . . …. . …. . . .