Pointless Walks......

  This is love. This is from a place of love. This is from love island. I am an internet stalker. I watch and I look. Sometimes I smile and sometimes I cry. I like to know that you are ok. Are you ok? You seem ok. You seem happy. That makes me happy. I am glad you are where you are right now. Even if it killed me to get you there. Slowly. I am transitional. I am the inbetweener. I do it all the time. I hope it works out for everyone. It never really works out for me, but I get people there. That is my X-Man power.  When I met you, you were pretending to be happy. You weren’t happy although you had the sweetest smile. It even spread to your eyes sometimes when you weren’t looking. Super cute. Supergirl.  I used to listen to you telling everyone how blissful you were. I believed you. I believed you for about a year. Then I found out that wasn’t the case. Bruises and all. And then we were happy for a bit Not for very long. Just for a bit and why? Why would you be happy with ...

Well we are there. We are at the inevitable. We have talked about it (well I have) and now we have fallen out of love (well I have). You thought you could do better. So do that. Fuck off and do better. I have realised that I can do better as well. So I can do that. Nothing is better. I would sooner have nothing than this. When there is nothing there is nothing to care for and nothing to worry about. I would like to say there is no looking out the window at 2am but there still is. There will be for a long time. There will be for a long time because all I can do is pretend and put the shields up and then when I have pretended for long enough it will all be real, and I can put you in a box and slip you under the bed. Just like I said I would.  So, the days pass and get greyer and you wonder what is wrong, but you know what’s wrong. Of course you do. We wouldn’t be us if you didn’t. But we aren’t really us anymore are we? Now that you are the cheerleader and I am still me. I feel like ...

Are we done? Not yet. Soon. It was always 'I will see you soon'. Not so much right now. I can see an end to this. I have had enough. I give and give and give and nothing. I am never good enough. I am never your first, second, third choice. I thought I could fix you. You don't want to be fixed. Being broken is very much your thing. Laying at the side of the road in a million pieces. Waiting for someone to pick you up. Someone better than me. I have thrown money at the wall. I have thrown my soul at the wall. I have been the wall. What will happen if the wall is taken down. We will both be vapour. Every day I love you less and less. Every day I realise I have been an idiot. I am not want you want. So you can't have me. Not for much longer. I will always be there. I will alway hang around in the shadows.  You won't see me, but I will be there. I will pick you up when you fall over. Or maybe I won't. Who knows. Maybe I will have found someone by then who wants savin...

  It was just another morning in a long line of mornings. Everything was average. Thinking back I can't even remember what day of the week it was. It doesn't feel like it was a Monday or a Friday so I guess it was one of those midweek nondescript ones. Lets say it was a Tuesday. That feels right.  I am sure if I had known how important it was I would have made a note. I really should have made a note. I should have made a note. Some morning. It looked like it was going to rain. It always looked like it was going to rain. My life is as my country average, grey and in need of an umbrella. So get up. As quietly as possible for, y'know, reasons.  Go downstairs and watch an episode of whatever shit reality show I am watching this week.  Cook some sausages for breakfast. I know I will get shit for this. I will get shit anyhow so why not.  Get dressed making the minimum amount of effort possible I need to look grey, for my grey job where I work with grey people doing g...

 Another day passes. Wandering around to pass the time. The usual routine. Lush for a treat then go look at the records and the games and see if any are priced correctly. There was a man looking at the records really slowly. Stopping me. Bought some rubbish that I might end up liking and a film to watch. Went to the cinema. Sat on my own. Was mildly worried there might be some annoying kids in there but they ended up ok. Got some dinner, sat on my own. The only empty table was a table for six. Sat there and looked at the NME. A lady asked if she and her two children could share the table. How could I say no? Was odd that she asked. Not used to the politeness. 'Of course you can, have a seat'. Walked home and bought some chemicals and something that might fix my face. Having read it at home it won't. Walked the dog while listening to people talking about things that interest me in passing. Came home. Watching TV for babies as always. Then passing the time. Communicating or n...

Warning. This is a shitpost. I am just here. I want something to do rather than look at Zoe Kazan and sigh. I am friends with someone and it's basically an abusive relationship. I don't think they do it on purpose but I think it's something I need to get out of. I can't. I have nowhere else to go. These are isolated times. I keep saying they will only appreciate me when I am dead. Time to die. So do I like Girls? Fucked if I know. I have watched it all twice so there must be something. The characters are in general awful (even Shoshanna has her moments) and some of them are fucking hateful. It's made by rich entitled people who are trying so hard to shock because they can. The storylines are not great except for now and again where they are incredible. The ending of the whole thing sucks because they basically cheat. So do I like Girls? Thinking about it. Probs not. I should really watch it again though. It's something I would like to talk through with someone b...

What am I expecting to happen here? What is my best-case scenario? Is it going to be a romance for the ages? No, it’s going to be GREAT then ok then an absolute nightmare. I would imagine that they are less interested in me than I am in them. Plus, I am nearly dead. No-one wants someone that’s nearly dead. They pretend they do. But they really don’t. They just want you to drift from nearly-dead into actual dead. Then they can stop caring and start living. So, what I am expecting? They are drifting away but they will drift back, then away and then back again. Like a rowboat tied to the side of a local park. If I get in the rowboat and drift down the river all that will happen is that I will fall in. I can’t swim very well so I will be a drowner. I have already drowned 4 times. I can’t afford to drown again. I am running out of breath. There is no breath left in me. So, what am I expecting? I am being very needy. I have no right to be very needy. They were needy and I w...