Drowner

What am I expecting to happen here?

What is my best-case scenario?

Is it going to be a romance for the ages? No, it’s going to be GREAT then ok then an absolute nightmare.

I would imagine that they are less interested in me than I am in them. Plus, I am nearly dead.

No-one wants someone that’s nearly dead. They pretend they do. But they really don’t. They just want you to drift from nearly-dead into actual dead. Then they can stop caring and start living.

So, what I am expecting?

They are drifting away but they will drift back, then away and then back again. Like a rowboat tied to the side of a local park. If I get in the rowboat and drift down the river all that will happen is that I will fall in. I can’t swim very well so I will be a drowner.

I have already drowned 4 times. I can’t afford to drown again. I am running out of breath. There is no breath left in me.

So, what am I expecting?

I am being very needy. I have no right to be very needy. They were needy and I was able to be there. Now they are not needy I have no use. I am like a cup when it’s empty. It’s just a case of what kind of cup I am. A throwaway plastic cup or a robust metal one for constant reuse?

I am thinking more plastic.

So yeah. What do I want to happen?

I want to spend more time with them. I want to spend a lot of time with them. I want to spend ALL my time with them. Just because I like them. Just because.

I know that I will end up throwing myself at them. I know that I will end up confessing undying love for them. I know that I will throw it all away. Off the cliffs and into the see. Drowning again see.

I know that it will come to nothing. I know that it will just mean that we can’t be friends anymore. I know the world will fall to bits. I am kind of OK with that. That’s me all over.

Thing is. I’m not that bothered. I must keep telling myself I am that bothered. I mean I feel it on the inside. It’s that nice fuzzy warm excited feeling. When I step back out of myself though and look at it there is nothing there. There is nothing there at all.

So, it’s not really the person. It’s not really the situation. It’s the feeling. The nice fuzzy warm excited feeling. The scary thing. The thing where it just sits on the edge of falling apart. That thing. The drowning. The going under and not being able to breathe. The forever.

So, what I am expecting?

I did something today I shouldn’t have done. I spoke about it to someone else. I know that person will tell another person who will tell another person. Then there will be an argument. Then it will be the end. Mr Self Destruct.

At least that will be the end of it. At least I can go back to dying. To drowning.

So yeah. I guess that’s what I am expecting.