Pointless Walks......

 Who? I know this one’s name. Debbi. With an I and no e. She told me that a few times. She told me a lot of things. Over and over again. Pretty with make-up prettier without. I thought she was just another girl out for a night out. Another party girl. Out with her friends who seemed not to be there right now. Where were they? Why has they left her like this? Who would abandon someone this drunk? She wasn’t drunk though. She had just been made to look that way.   Where? On a kind of upholstered bench in a club in Nottingham that had seen better days. Everything in there was something you could get stuck to. Everything in there had all the fluids spilt on it at some point. A place where the lights had gone out and not yet been replaced. Somewhere that was the same today as it was in the 70’s. She was collapsed in on herself. Leaning slightly to the left and looking peaceful as she dribbled on herself. Her glass had toppled over spilling whatever was in it all over whatev...

 The fact that I now take prescription pain killers for non-prescription reasons is giving me a permanent hangover. It’s like the sun is shining in my eyes all the time. Luckily, I have sunglasses. It’s like when you are driving down a beautiful road with the desert on both sides and some plants you can’t identify walking past slowly like they are going somewhere fast. Then suddenly your body remembers all that you drank last night. ALL OF IT. All at once. It’s like hearing the voice of your ex saying things she would never have said to you. Things she would never have said before. Things she would never have said. When you have a constant headache its like you don’t have a headache at all. It is the constant. There is no other form. I have tinnitus. It’s always there. Too many sticking my head inside massive guitar amplifier for no apparent reason. Point is, I don’t notice it unless I remember to. A constant high frequency whine. I keep thinking about not taking them. Ther...

 Who is looking through my window? Who are you? Did you come to my house by mistake? Did you think it was someone else’s house? Do you like what you see? Can you see between the cracks or is it the cracks that you are looking for? There are plenty of cracks here. Everything is blurred like you are watching a 3d film without the glasses. Rainbow light. I’m so sorry. All is soft at the moment. There is medication to be had and medication must be had. A lack of attention to detail lives in the kitchen. That’s just me. I have tried. I have tried to make things nice. As you put one shelf up another one falls. Things come crashing to the ground. Everything falls apart. It’s all so jumbled in my head. I am so many people all of whom are more interesting than me. I am so many people. But who are you? Really?

  The inbetween days. Everything just floats past. It’s mostly the prescription drugs I am having to take to stop me crying. Opiates to fix my physical used to dull my mental. Floating. The week after Christmas until just after New Year is the most transitional inbetween of them all. It’s just there. The inbetween days. Where your heart is broken and you can’t hide it. To where you can hide it a bit. To when you build up your barriers and go back to being how you present yourself to the world. When the day you looked forward to the most passes and you are in the dead time when that day will come around again and become the day you look forward to the least. The inbetween days. Where you have to decide to fix, to traverse or to break. Two of these things you can do on your own. The hardest one you can’t, The inbetween days. New Year New You. You will be fitter, stronger, thinner but there is all that shit that people bought you at Christmas that you need to get rid...

  But what if I don’t have anything to write about? That’s a real worry I can tell you. They say write what you know. All I know is the beingness. All I know is being slightly unhappy and / or drunk. So where am I right now? I’m in the office on New Years day with about 4 other people because it ticks a box. I have another person working remotely who I don’t talk to because we don’t like each other very much. I don’t like him because he picked on someone who I thought was my friend. That person turned out not to be my friend. He was right about her. I was wrong. I want to tell him this, but I am not sure If I can. If I do it will be for the wrong reasons. It will be because it winds other people up.   It won’t be from a place of purity. I mean even if it was, he wouldn’t believe me. I just have that kind of personality. It’s all the barriers I put up to prevent exactly this kind of things happening. I let them down and it destroyed me. If only for a little while it destr...

Who? This time it was a woman with a pram. There wasn’t a baby in the pram. That’s what did it. That’s what annoyed me. It had jars of what looked like mayonnaise in it. Lots and lots of jars. Some of them full and some of them half full. I’m not sure is was mayonnaise. I didn’t hang around to taste it. Even if I had all the time in the world, I wouldn’t have tasted it. Why would you? I mean it looked like mayonnaise, but it could have been anything. Anything white and sticky. She had a headscarf on as well which annoyed me even more. A woman pushing mayonnaise in a pram with a headscarf on. She looked fed up anyhow, so she was probably very pleased. Where? Bristol. I like the graffiti and think that I might be Banksy. I black out sometimes. Who knows what I do in the shadows? Maybe paint? It’s very cold here and the Thekla is shut so I can’t get me no trip-hop or indie twee. That’s if they still do trip ho and indie twee. Just seems to be lads shouting now or different lads who ...