Skip to main content

2econd

 


But what if I don’t have anything to write about? That’s a real worry I can tell you.

They say write what you know. All I know is the beingness. All I know is being slightly unhappy and / or drunk.

So where am I right now? I’m in the office on New Years day with about 4 other people because it ticks a box. I have another person working remotely who I don’t talk to because we don’t like each other very much. I don’t like him because he picked on someone who I thought was my friend. That person turned out not to be my friend. He was right about her. I was wrong. I want to tell him this, but I am not sure If I can. If I do it will be for the wrong reasons. It will be because it winds other people up.  It won’t be from a place of purity.

I mean even if it was, he wouldn’t believe me. I just have that kind of personality. It’s all the barriers I put up to prevent exactly this kind of things happening. I let them down and it destroyed me. If only for a little while it destroyed me. I can’t let that happen again.

I am not doing a lot of work because why should I. They have unfairly dished out the Bank Holidays again and rather than rage against the machine (which I used to do) I just nod and come in and do as little as I can. The fact there is no-one else here is a blessing at the moment. I would sooner be in an empty room than one filled with awkwardness and lies. So, I am not doing a lot of work. I know that will wind people up as well. That’s all I seem to do. I am a very weak and ineffectual version of chaos theory. This is not working out very well for me. Why do I continue with it? You can’t dry the rain.

I have eaten my pot noodle (or Poundland version of) already. It’s my breakfast. I was hungry. What can I say? Nothing there except watching a kettle boil for nearly seven minutes. That was a very exciting time of my life I don’t mind telling you.

Oh, I have received an email telling me my mailbox is full. That should keep my busy for about 10 minutes. There is a phone call queuing. I am not getting it just because It will wind HIM up. And once again. Why should I? They can wait. It’s New Years Day for fucks sake.

Oh, there is a song on I like. If they are still waiting by the end of this, I will answer it. This is changing into one of those Saturday reports I used to do. Scroll back. You will see I have always been this miserable. I don’t know what happiness is. Until I do. Then it’s taken away from me.

This person is vexing me just by waiting this long. Lets see what they want 😊

Ooo too late. That will have annoyed him. There I go again. There I go again.

Going to the toilet is the highlight of my day. Lets do that then.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Penultimate

This is not a suicide note.  I am not allowed to do that. That would make me the bad guy. If things were a bit different though I would deffo be eating toast in the bath. I hope I get ill again. That would be perfect. The only problem with getting ill last time was that I got better. I was ready. I was ‘at peace’. Then, as now, I have had enough. I am always tired, I always hurt. I am never shown any love and I don’t really do anything I enjoy. All the things I am supposed to enjoy either I don’t or I get stopped from doing by other people who are supposed to care about me. I am now old enough to know I will never get what I want in my life. This is it, my best days are behind me and I wasted them on making do. The sun comes out and I get sunburn in the hope that it will fix my skin. In the hope it will make me better. It just makes my skin fall off in different ways and hurt from a new angle. I look for stuff to fill the box I live in. The space is getting smaller and ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Carnivorous Rainbows

 The fact that I now take prescription pain killers for non-prescription reasons is giving me a permanent hangover. It’s like the sun is shining in my eyes all the time. Luckily, I have sunglasses. It’s like when you are driving down a beautiful road with the desert on both sides and some plants you can’t identify walking past slowly like they are going somewhere fast. Then suddenly your body remembers all that you drank last night. ALL OF IT. All at once. It’s like hearing the voice of your ex saying things she would never have said to you. Things she would never have said before. Things she would never have said. When you have a constant headache its like you don’t have a headache at all. It is the constant. There is no other form. I have tinnitus. It’s always there. Too many sticking my head inside massive guitar amplifier for no apparent reason. Point is, I don’t notice it unless I remember to. A constant high frequency whine. I keep thinking about not taking them. Ther...
Post a Comment
Read more