Pointless Walks......

Bye then 2018. Thanks for having me. You were pretty shit. Mainly my fault. I failed in everything I tried to do. The only thing that's a bit better was the fact I wasn't drinking nearly as much. I had a fall or two and people kept buying me alcohol but it was much better. I am such an asshole when I drink. I am an asshole anyhow but x infinity symbol. 2019 is going to be pretty terrible due to ideas beyond my control. All I can do is try again. I will be ok for about 3 months then I will fall. I know myself. I am terribly boring in the way I work. You are glad you don't know me. I wish I didn't. Listening to the new Declining Winter album. It's very similar to the other one I have but he is singing in way that's a bit different. Hope it will grow on me. Waiting the five hours to the countdown and then might wrap up warm and go and watch things explode. There were lanterns on year. That was good. They didn't set any hotels on fire. It will be cold ...

Went to see Wreck it Ralph 2 today. It was ok. The bits with the Disney Princesses in were the best bits. This film shows you how much of the world Disney own. All of it. Watched Mary and the Witch's Flower again. Don't know if Disney own that? Now I am watching a documentary about milk. My life rules. I don't read this. If there are mistakes I am sorry. If there are issues with spelling and punctuation I apologise. If I read it I would realise how pointless it all was and just delete it. I don't know why I am doing this. If I ever find out I will be sure and let you know. I might go to bed. I am really tired. I always really tired. Most of all I am tired of being tired. It's tiring. Goodnight.

Why do kids like dad music now? I thought the whole point of music was to give the kids something to rebel against. Rock and Roll, Punk, New Wave, No Wave, Hardcore, Trance, Acid, Grunge, Metal etc etc. Its all there for you kids. If your dad likes it you shouldn't. I don't understand why you all like the bland stuff. What is wrong with you. The charts are full of worthy rich kids singing about how miserable they are. Is it because you don't have to buy it? Because you have everything given for free. Because you don't have to tape it off the radio or queue to pick it up at Woolworths or whatever alt record shop you are lucky enough to have. I know vinyl is back back back but its just an excuse for record companies to sell you the same stuff AGAIN at a vastly inflated price. I remember buying 10 records for £50 and thinking that was a lot. Now you are lucky if you can get 2 for that price. At least they are 180 gram and definitely not remastered from a digital ...

Work was ok. Have discovered a quarter of my persona I want to live in. I don't think I can. Y'know bipolar and all that. Checked my bank balances. Bad idea. I really can't spend anything on anything ever again. Ever. No really. Not even that thing. Came home and there is nothing to add beyond that. Couldn't sleep last night. Had a dog laying on me and he wouldn't move. I was told I was evil for wanting to move him. I got up and played Tomb Raider which was ok. Going to play it a bit more tonight. I think I can hear dogs barking somewhere but it could be a hyperactive maniac having the worlds longest bath. Uncakeable !!!! Tried to find a podcast but they are all the year end best of podcasts that are on the whole self indulgent and over long. I will do my best of things right now for you. Film - You were never really here. Music - Snail Mail - Lush TV Show - No Offence Game - Dragon Quest / Spiderman / The one I will have forgotten from the first ...

Today I feel like I have been drugged. I have not been drugged. I don't think that I have been drugged. It's not a terrible feeling. I don't feel ill (apart from the usual) I just feel detached. It's been another nothing day with the highlight being a dog walk. Spent a lot on the old 'I won't spend anything next year, and it's in a sale' excuse. I will spend things next year. I am about 1cm away from being bankrupt. Always searching for the missing puzzle piece. Started to pack Christmas away. The sooner the better as far as I am concerned. Just Birthdays and other days to get through now and I can be free. Rescued some dragons and finished my book. The people are all around consuming again. Business as usual.

Drained. The Anti-climax has fizzled and all I can do is wait for sleep. It must be here soon. Visited the graveyard and counted the dead flowers. Dozens and dozens of dead ones and in the middle a live sunflower reaching for the night. Maggie 8 on repeat. The Christmas car journey CD. 4 tracks in a loop. Repetition. I do not want the things I do not have. Except I do. I kind of always will. I am looking for something thats missing.I always have been. Now and again I find it for a minute and then it's snatched away. Gone. A nice dinner and nothing before. Nothing after. Terrible television and things I cannot play. It's dark and it's cold and everyone is ill. I don't want what you have given me. Why would I? Long distance video calls to people having a better time. A pencil. A fucking pencil? Christmas socks that I can't wear for another year. Looking at the lights through the fog and wondering how they are on. Slime and glue everywhere. Ev...

It's Christmas time. Theres need to be afraid. I'm trying to find my way home. I'm sorry and I miss you. I see you in everything. In every car that passes in every drop of water. In the mist that evaporates into the sky. In the Christmas lights and in the junk mail that comes every day. It is all you. It's very cold. I didn't sleep much last night. I finally fell to sleep about 10 minutes before my alarm went off. It's really cold today. Weirdly they let us watch films at work. I had seen Christmas Chronicles about a week ago but didn't mind watching it again. Even Shrek was ok and I don't like Shrek. It was a nice thing to do. Well done on one day a year. Thanks for letting us shut on Christmas Day, it's ok, we'll be back the day after. There is nothing but noise at the moment so retreated away from that to read my book. I am only staying up as late as I am legally aloud to. Then it's drugs and bed. I don't think there will...

Women have unreasonable expectations of men on an emotional level. Men have unreasonable expectations of women on a sexual level. Discuss. Maybe later. We'll get back to this. Not today. Today was spending the day with family and trying not to kill anyone. It was ok. I took my Switch and played Smash (unlocked Solid Snake so not a wasted day) and time passed. My gift was some Lush bath bombs and some Ferrero Rocher, both of which I am ok with. Usually it's a tin of biscuits or, weirdly, The Hellraiser Boxset. I liked that. I have to do this again in two days time. Fuck Christmas. I have had a bath and a bath bomb and the entire bath is now black. I will get in trouble for this. That will happen. Have to be at work for 7:30 tomorrow which is Christmas Eve. Yey. I should really clean the bath. Yesterday I saw 'The Grinch' at the cinema. The 2018 cartoon remake. I quite liked it. I can't complain. I got nuts and a cider and it was free. I just had to s...

Where were you on the day the sun didn't rise? I was in my kitchen making breakfast as I was every morning at that time. Up early. Get her ready for school. Make her a breakfast that was semi healthy but that she would actually eat. Get her ready for school and walk her there. Same old. Every day (well every week day). Only today it was dark. At first I thought that it was just overcast; it rains almost every day here. Then I noticed it was properly dark. The street lights were off so the only light was that of the cars rushing past. I didn't really think too much about it. Things seemed to be moving normally so  I just got her to school, got a coffee and waited to see how the rest of the day collapsed. It was around dinner time when I realised something was wrong. It was still super dark. I turned on the news. It was being reported as an abnormality. Theories seemed to focus on dust in the air but it was something to be curious about rather than worried about. ...

It's hard being me sometimes. I know it's my own fault but its really hard to hold up the walls that stop other people getting in. It's draining. Maybe that's why I am tired all the time. Well that and the fact I live off cake. Watching the Survivor season finale. I love Survivor. I am the only person I know that watches it as it's not on in this country. Greek Darran used to watch it but I don't speak to him any more which makes me a bit sad as he was a good friend. I am dreading Pink Tim turning up as well with a bag of stuff. Hopefully he won't this year. I haven't seen him in forever which is terrible. I am just going to hide until Christmas is done and done. Other than that work was work. My mother came over and judged me and the way I live which she always does. I have the cough that everyone else has had hiding in the back of my throat ready to attack. Played Spiderman, listened to podcasts, signed for delivery. Just another day. ...

Why is the internet so slow today? Why? Is there a blockage in the digital pipe? I need new pipes. A bigger pipe. I remember life before the internet when we used to lie and listen to music and just talk. A time before the television was always on but no-one was watching it because, y'know, phones. I can't really remember much of what I used to do. Only the things I still do now. I still read. I still watch films (though I don't concentrate on them nearly as much), I still play video games. I still listen to and make music. I am the same as I ever was only worse. Decay. Entropy. Slowly Growing Down. Nothing of note happened. Played Spiderman as I lost all mu progress and will never get that 40 hours back. Listened to a four hour podcast while I did so. Walked the dog. Went to work and ate my body weight (and a bit in cake). Came home. Played Spiderman and listened to a podcast. Watched 'Four Christmases' which is joyously short. I haven't watched man...

Christmas party at school today. Couldn't avoid it because for some stupid reason they had it in the day rather than at night. Darius pretended to DJ, but all he was doing was selecting stuff from a drop down menu. He tried to make it sound all amazing and stuff, but I knew he was just using beat matching software,  It's not that easy to make Sun 0))) kewl. As usual I tried to keep myself to myself and just hang out with Russ. We sat in a corner people watching and reading Electronic Gaming Monthly. Russ laughed at a picture of Clara Bow. Russ is an idiot Clara Bow is literally the best looking person ever. Most people think she is Louise Brooks. I may have said this before. Most people are idiots. Darius was trying to mash up some Skrillex and Pigbros on his laptop. Darius was failing. Triss walked in with her little gang and came over to our corner. 'Move Jiggleypuff' she said 'We want to be in this corner. People cannot see us here and we can drink and ...

Watching the Wrestling. Say something. It takes me back to when we found the old boxing ring in the basement of the bingo hall and Gerry said we could use it fi we cleared up the basement. I don't think he knew quite what he had gotten into. Originally there were just three of us and to put on a show we had to put on different costumes, different masks and different styles so we could have more than one match. After a little while a few more people got involved and it was no long a problem. It was the BWF. People from school used to come. Initially they just wanted to make fun but we had such a good time her that changed. Obviously we made mistakes and they were celebrated and we were constantly reminded of them. We had matches though and we got better and more and more people started to come and watch. And girls. We sold sweets and pop (and Grapper sold cigarettes and beer because he looked about 10 years older than there rest of us) and it started to become somewhere ...

Sitting here watching a documentary about social media. have no idea why, Everyone seems to think this is the now but it seems like The Matrix where everything is just surface. I say this to you from a social media platform. I am aware of this my two readers. Stay with me on this. If everyone is famous then I assume that means no-one is famous. The internet is the great leveller. Everyone seems to want to blur the lines between someone who plays with toys on YouTube and and Clint Eastwood. One guy has just said 'I am really into myself'. Good for you. 💕💕💕✌🏿😁😔😒👌🏻👌 My Mac Touch Bar seems to be just emoji's now. What have I done? Why does everyone want attention from strangers? Why am I interested in telling the void what I think? I don't understand the world. I don't understand myself. Something to do isn't it? Use targeted hashtags. #pleaselikeme #pleasejustifythefactiexist #why?????????????? Cameras attached to cameras attached to cam...

You won’t have heard of me. If you did the whole point of who I am and what I do is worthless. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a hitman or do anything illegal. I am just me. I am a walking advert.  Let me explain. My job is to go into bars, pubs etc. and just drink something and look cool. I always drink the same thing on each assignment and make sure I order it very loudly. I wear the best clothes and have the best car which I am driven home in by an unfeasibly attractive women who ‘picks me up’ every night (in all senses of the term) and works for the same company as me.  Sometimes, depending on where we are, we mix it up and I get to take her home. It’s usually Samantha but sometimes they send in a temp. They always look like models. What a model looking women would be doing in a Weatherspoon’s in Bromford is beyond me. The kind of people they get in there don’t think about it though. They just accept it and want to be me. That’s my job.  I have always done this in...

I sit and listen to you coughing. Cough cough cough. Never ending coughing. Will this thing never go away. Every time you cough its like someone is punching me in the face. Why can't I take it away? Why can't I help you? I am so sorry.

Watching 'Gremlins' which seems to be a forgotten Christmas film despite the fact it was MASSIVE. It looks really old, but I suppose it is. 34 years. 34 years before it came out was 1950. Jesus. I remember seeing this at the cinema (which is still standing and looks exactly the same). I am so very very old. I feel it. I feel so very very old. But hey. PHEOBE CATES. To all of you that think you are the beautiful people. You are not as beautiful as Pheobe Cates. Look at her now. This is your future. Enjoy the now. Apart from that nothing happened. Got up. Went to work which was 3 on a scale of annoying. Came home. Dragged the dog to the post office to pick up a parcel. Asked for ID despite the fact the reason it was there was because it wouldn't fit through the letter box . Came home. Ate reasonable food. Had a bath. Played Smash Brothers (again what the fuck is happening in that game). Watched TV. Played Farcry 3 (because). And here we are.... ....how was your day? H...

So they got into power on the basis we would leave. The man then ran away and put someone else in charge. The women they put in charge tried to sort out the mess. They then said they didn't like the women in charge and had to vote on how much they didn't like her. Turns out they still like her a bit (but not much). What does this mean for me? It means I am waiting for The Apprentice to start but instead I am having to look at a bunch of entitled knobheads realising they have destroyed our country and looking for someone to blame. Idiots. We are all doomed.

It's 5am (or thereabouts) and I am up watching Christmas, Again which is possibly my favourite Christmas film of all time which I CANNOT FIND ANYWHERE TO BUY. Came across it by accident about 3 years ago and have loved it ever since. It's a low key affair about a man selling Christmas Trees out of a caravan in New York. It's very good and very me. I would call it bitter/sweet and lovely. You would call is slow. You are an idiot. In other 'it sucks to be me' news. My Playstation's hard drive corrupted so I had to format it. This means that ALL my progress in ALL my games has been lost to the wind and I had put 100's of hours into those fuckers. Guess it will give me an excuse to play through them again for mental health reasons. Drinking far too much again (stop giving me alcohol people, I know it's Christmas but really?). Which means I am spending loads on shite again. What is Smash Brothers? I can't see whats going off most of the time and I...

One goal today: Just to get through it. Traffic was terrible for some reason so it took me 45 minutes longer to get to the supermarket. This meant I was 3 minutes late for which I was dragged into an office for a 20 minute telling off. I wouldn't mind but she comes in late all the time. Hungover and smelling of booze. Everyone knows what she gets up to. She still comes in like her shit don't stink. It does. I'm told I will have to make it up. Stay late 3 minutes. That's not an issue as you don't let us go home till everything is put away after the counter closes. You pay me till 6:00 but won't let me leave until 7:00. If I don't like it the signage to the door is very clear. So I go and clean up all his knives, cleavers, choppers and various methods of destruction. I imagine what I could do with them. I imagine YOU walking through the door. I clean the industrial mincing machine which for some reason still needs to be cleaned by hand. For some re...

Tube day !! Wasn't so bad. Didn't have to wait forever to park (just for a little while). Found the place ok and didn't have to wait for too long. Read my childs book. Didn't have to have an injection (which is great but worrying) and they put a weird mirror on my head so I could see a tranquil beach rather than the lid of what feels like a coffin. Then they played me Phil Collins. The music I like sounds more like the actual machine than Phil Collins so I focused on that to block out the noise. Had to fight with the parking machine as it didn't like any of my cards so had to put my parking on my Mastercard which means I am now paying interest on it. Went to the retail park and managed to beat the traffic that was stacked up on the way out. Tried to buy a cheap game but they had accidentally sold out. Idiots. Drove home, walked the dog and had a bath. My diet for the day seems to be cake as no-one can be bothered to make anything and I'm not cleani...

Got up. Watched some TV. Made myself a bacon sandwich (is any of this familiar?) Realised all the tarpaulin had blown off the roof as it was the windiest day ever the day after I put it up. Went to work. Nothing happened apart from having a chat about peanut girl doing nothing while someone was silently listening on the other end of the phone. Schoolboy error. Came home and got on the roof in the rain to replace tarpaulin. Much fun. Walked the dog because it had stopped raining. Was 10 mins from home. Massive downpour. Like really massive. Got home. Went upstairs to play and got told off. Went to bed. Watched TV and ate prawn toast. Wrote this. Read my book (the one designed for teenage girls). Turned the light off. I would say this was the worst day ever but I know that tomorrow will be just the same but with added hospital. FML.

It's quite early. There is a lot yet to be done. I haven't even decided how I am getting to work. It seems to be very windy outside. That's about right. Hoping a brick won't fly off and damage someone or something because of course that will be down to me. Just me. No-one else. Couldn't sleep so got up and made a bacon sandwich. The the of bacon I buy I buy mainly because it doesn't smell of bacon when you cook it. Still had to have a pantomime though. Am I never allowed to eat what I want without drama? The beer in my advent calendar is impressively strong so I might get back to reviewing those tomorrow. Probs not because tomorrow is TUBE DAY !!!! Cannot wait. Who has TUBE DAY !!!! on a Sunday? Aren't we all supposed to be in church or something? Still playing Spiderman which is now unfairly hard so might sack that off until the last of the DLC comes out. Interesting huh? The heat has been turned on despite the fact it makes me want to rip my skin...

Another day at school being bullied by the same group of girls that always pick on me. You'd think they would give it a rest at Christmas but it's like they have taken the season of goodwill and turned it upside down. Got the bus in and put my headphones on so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. Decided to try the new Gazelle Twin album (which is very good) but half way through had them snatched from my ears and had to answer the question.... "what is this emo shit?" saying anything would have resulted in the same outcome so I decided just to say nothing and hope they would go away. they didn't go away. The lessons went ok and I sat in a toilet cubicle to eat my olives and cheese (the one closest to the wall is the best). Came out of the toilets to go to Latin and was punched in the stomach by Triss who was trying to get past and I was in her way. Doubled over and stayed there until she left. Decided I couldn't do with the hassle of the bus ride h...

The annual watch of 'Love Actually' went quite smoothly. There were no tears, but there was no alcohol involved so that's to be expected. The Colin Firth bit is still by far the best bit. The rest is a massive bag of shite which deals with stalkers and the fact disability your life. It's still totally amazing though and I will continue to watch it every year until I die a slow death from sugar. I would love to tell you about the other amazing stuff that happened today but it was more of the same existing that I have been doing forever. Highlight was having a bath that didn't flood the kitchen and reading my book. Finished series 2 of No Offence and started series 3. 'Why is she wearing a wig?' 'Oh' Not sure how that will pan out then. Still waiting on things. Always waiting on things. Get your act together people who deal with things. Thank you very much.

I have no alcohol review for you today. I took a Tramadol and it has proper moved my brain slightly to the left so I think I will save it for another day. It's raining. Of course it is. It's always raining now I don't have a proper roof. I am waiting for the inevitable collapse. There is nothing to report today. I went to work and the car was a bit dodgy going up a hill. I did a bit of work but mainly just clock watched. I came home and ate all the food. And now I am here feeling ill again due to the medication I have. I feel like I need flushing out. I think Christmas is pretty much sorted and there are just a few t's to be dotted and i's to be crossed. I don't feel very Christmassy though. Just waiting for it to be done and dusted. Then we have birthday horror. Then we have Valentines horror. Then it's spring and done and dusted. The Portishead song on the Gucci ad cuts out just before it get's good. Who signed off on that? I would assume Porti...

I am drinking Diet Coke with Cinnamon and all I can think is that it would taste loads better with vodka in it. I think most things would. Hawkes Ginger Beer 4.0% this is not beer. What is it doing in my advent calendar. It is very nice but it is pop. Get this away from me immediately. I am reading a book that might have been written for children but its ok. It is the kind of easy read I need right now. I am all about bitter/sweet easy stiff. Satre can wait. Still watching 'No Offence' which might be the most surprising bit of TV I have seen all year. Needless to say Series 2 is not looking quite as good as Series 1 but it's early days. I don't know why I am telling no-one about this. I feel like I am shouting out into the void on the top of a mountain. It's therapy I guess. Why stick a .com on it though. I guess I need something to be there and its better than pornographic DVD trailers (it's not obviously) Self checkouts are the entrance to hell. Th...

Quench Quake Grapefruit & Tangerine Sour 4.6% I don't even know what this is supposed to be. It tastes like a bag of sweets that has gone off. I can hear my dog being blow-dried and an episode of 'Can't Pay' that I have seen before is on. I can't get the Fire Stick to work (no surprise there) so I can't watch what I actually want to. Work was like amazing. So glad to see everyone again. I have missed them all so much. At this point I wish Waynes World was still a thing. Couldn't sleep so got up at about 4am and watched the world go past on my wall. Insomnia is the worst disease not homophobia. Waiting for a man to come and tell me how much it will be to fix the roof while he quietly judges me. However much it is it will be too much. I hope he's not creepy like the last one. I put ibuprofen gel on my arms and it makes me feel weird. A detachment. I always detached. The world just happens around me. Am I repeating myself? I feel like I ...

Someone's in a bad mood today aren't they? Mistletoe Mafia Toasty Amber Lager 4.5% Ok lager, tastes like Carlsberg Export. Totally alright. Sometimes I can see a crack and see the light through it. I can see the cogs turning an figure out how it all works. Y'know life. Then the crack closes and I am totally in the dark again. Just existing. Not living. You being awful all day makes me a bit happy. Just because I can be the one not consumed by mental illness for a little while. I know I am broken. I know there is no-one that can fix me. You are also broken but I'm not sure if you know it and that's pretty much most of the problem. Having binged on 'The Inbetweeners' due to it just being on and me not being able to sleep again I am now watching 'No Offence' which ALL4 practically shoved down my throat. It's pretty good. It's not as awful as I feared and it has interesting characters. Let's watch that then for a bit. Still play...

Hoppy Christmas Festive IPA 7.2% This is nice. It's strong enough but doesn't taste like petrol. It's kind of chocolaty. Heavy but not too heavy. Could drink a crate of easily. Christmas film watched Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Some American thing from like the 70's which is ok. Finished Spiderman. The last battle was not the hardest battle. Did a bit of wrapping and tried to put things in places they shouldn't be put. Failed on that one but will try again later. Elves have a certain knack for toy-making apparently. I need to take some time to put the Christmas records on. I think I will play the Bright Eyes one later. And definitely put the Velocity Girl single on. I like that. Work posted me an advent calendar which I am assuming they did to everyone because they are desperate to go bankrupt. Usually they just give us a cheap one and all the children I work with want to eat them all in one day. Because thats super cool. Merry Christmas - I love y...