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The Last of Us (part 3)

Well we are there. We are at the inevitable. We have talked about it (well I have) and now we have fallen out of love (well I have). You thought you could do better. So do that. Fuck off and do better. I have realised that I can do better as well. So I can do that. Nothing is better. I would sooner have nothing than this. When there is nothing there is nothing to care for and nothing to worry about. I would like to say there is no looking out the window at 2am but there still is. There will be for a long time. There will be for a long time because all I can do is pretend and put the shields up and then when I have pretended for long enough it will all be real, and I can put you in a box and slip you under the bed. Just like I said I would. 

So, the days pass and get greyer and you wonder what is wrong, but you know what’s wrong. Of course you do. We wouldn’t be us if you didn’t. But we aren’t really us anymore are we? Now that you are the cheerleader and I am still me. I feel like I am repeating myself. We have done this haven’t we? This is all that we have done for like the whole year. And what a year it’s been.

Disease and pestilence have spread across the world. Locusts have fallen from the sky. We are all going to die. We are all going to die anyway. Everything is eventual. Time destroys everything. It even destroys itself. It is the snake that eats its tail. It is the circle of desolation. Happy times. 

So, what now? What is it I can do to get me through the winter? I am not going to find another you. That’s for sure. You are rare. But there are many many people who are not so rare. If I put them all together, if I take a little bit from each, maybe I can fill the gap. Maybe I can just leave the gap there. It can be a canyon. Something to look over. A vista of memories.

I don’t want you to hate me, so I have to be very careful here. I want you to know it is you that have done all these things wrong. That I have done EVERYTHING for you and in return you have done nothing. I want you to miss me like I miss you. I don’t really have the skill set to make this happen but I’m sure as fuck going to try. I think that’s fair. I really think that’s fair.

I can’t help doing things that I know will annoy you. it amuses me. It makes the time pass outside of the vacuum and the vacuum is a cold dead space. There is nothing there. I won’t destroy you, but I will destroy all your friends. The ones I don’t have time for. The ones that you cuddle up to now who were shouting you down behind your back. The ones that made you fall over all the time when I had to catch you. These people won’t change. They will do this to you again and again and again and the only difference this time is that you will hit the ground. You will break. You will be in pieces and I will stand there, look down on you and smile. After that I will help you up. Possibly. Probably. 

I need to use this time productively. I need not to fall down the downward spiral. I need to be strong and confident and project that IDGAF attitude that I can do so well. Trouble is I do. And my insides are melting. Like lava. Dripping. Falling from the ceiling. 

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