1.4

Paula was not ugly. 

She was not going to be on the cover of Prima magazine or anything but she was definitely not ugly. She had beautiful auburn hair that she tied back severely (which didn’t help) but there was a pretty girl in there somewhere. If anyone took the time to look at her eyes they would see how beautiful they were. 

It didn’t help that during her entire school life people had told her how ugly she was. It wasn’t certain what she was called out for more. Being ugly or smelling. She wasn’t sure why people had taken to her in such a way.

She didn’t smell either.

She came from one of the nicer houses in the middle of a horrible estate. She had to keep her head down on her way to school and she kept it there for most of the day. Mostly people left her alone to the extent that when she made an effort they ignored her. She cried a little bit about that for a while.

(It makes me cry now Paula. I still remember 30 years later and I am so very sorry) 

When she left school she made an effort and tried to make a fresh start but she kept bumping into people at interviews that she knew. This made her feel like she was fourteen again. She struggled to find a job. She was not good enough for any of them.

She had a boy who thought she was lovely. He kept telling her and telling her but she wouldn’t believe him. She pushed him away and eventually he found someone else. Someone not as good as Paula. He got stuck in a loveless marriage for 23 years. Then he died in a car accident. He had 14 people at his funeral.

Paula failed all her exams because she spent more time crying than studying so college wasn’t an option. For Paula a long and fulfilling career at the end of the phone being shouted at seemed to be the future. She was used to people making her feel worthless. She had found the perfect job.

At work she was sitting eating a salad at dinner time on her own. All her colleagues were at other tables laughing at something and Paula thought that they were laughing at her. She always though they were laughing at her. Everyone was laughing at her. All the time. 

Paula decided to go to the seaside to clear her head. She did this every now and again as she found that the sound of the waves and the cold air reset her brain helping her to find some peace. She also liked sitting on the beach and eating a few chips which was a great break from everyday salads.

She got on the train. Put her headphones on and waited for the world to take her away. Everyone ignored her on the train. She was in a bubble. She was just like everyone else there.

The train journey was long and Paula fell asleep. She awoke to feel someone on the train prodding her in the arm.

‘Wake up love, we’re at the station’

Paula looked out the window and realised that she had arrived. Then everyone was moving. Keen to get to work or to start their holiday. Keen to be out of the station.

‘Thank you’ Paula mumbled.

Paula picked up her rucksack and shuffled slowly forward. It had been a bright sunny day when she set off and hoped that would carry on for the next few hours. Her complexion mean that she burnt easily but she still loved to be in the sun. It cleansed her and made her feel closer to God. 

As she reached the large exit sign near the expensive toilets she knew that something was wrong. Surely she hadn’t slept that long? Surely it wasn’t the middle of the night? She checked her watch. 1:17pm. Three minutes before she was supposed to be there.

She had arrived, but where was the sun?

Everyone was staring at the sky. No-one had predicted an eclipse because usually it was on the news with them telling everyone not to look directly into the sun. Because people do. People look directly into the sun. All the time. For reasons.

Eventually people got bored and decided that the day was overcast and there was nothing to worry about and they went on with their business.

Paula headed for the beach. 

Although it was not the wonderful weather day she had hoped for she was still going to make the most of it. The train ticket had cost far too much. In a way it was quite cool being there in the dark. It was like going out at night without all the drunk people. Very different. A new memory created.

When she reached the beach she sat there and she looked out and played with the pebbles that had taken the place of sand.  Usually she would watch the ships and the kids playing but not today. What with there not being any light. She just sat there and watched the world not go by. Which it did. Slowly. 

At some point Paula went to get some fish, chips and a can of coke. She then walked back to the pebbles and watched the horizon a little more. 

She looked around. The lights of the pier were on. She could still see the town in the distance which was hustling as per usual but at a slightly slower pace. 

She saw the ruins of the old piers that refused to fall into the sea. They looked like robots that had lost a battle with monsters. 

She saw the cars and the cyclists and the tourists in the cycle lane who looked surprised when they nearly got run over. 

She saw the big wheel that became an eye and slowly revolved around allowing you to look into the depths of the ocean for only £25. 

She saw the guitar shop where twice upon a time she had spent far too much money as a reward for someone who worked there being really rude to her and ignoring her while they spoke to one of the people from 65 days of Static about microphones or something. 

She saw the building on the hill with the people packed in living a life not dissimilar to hers. She wondered if they were happy.

Then she saw everything.

Paula picked up the remains of her lunch. What was left of her fish. What was left of her chips. Her half empty can of coke (she could never drink a full one) and she walked them to the bin. 

She sat on the beach for one last time. She smiled. She got up and then she walked slowly into the sea. She was still smiling as she disappeared from view. No-one noticed.