Skip to main content

February 1st

Hello February. How are you?

Nothing much happening at the moment. A roofer came this morning and stayed for about 2 minutes before he stated he didn't do flat roofs. A shame as he seemed OK. A bit camp. A vamp roofer is an interesting concept.

In other news my laptop might be broken. It doesn't seem to want to charge any more. I hoped it was the cable and now I'm hoping its the charger. It won't be. It will be the laptop.

Oh and the pedal man is ignoring me leaving me with a pedal that half works. I hate everything. Why life why?

Other than that nothing. Finished Resident Evil 2 and can't decide if I want to play it 3 more times or just get rid. I will give it a week. Kingdom Hearts 3 is giving me a headache and there doesn't seem to be any way to turn the fucking music off. It's like being forced to eat candy floss all day.

Watching Toast of London still as need something stupid to level me out. Other than that nothing to report.

It still keeps trying to snow and failing. Elsewhere in the world it's like a Roland Emmerich film come to life with people buying coffee, throwing it in the air and it freezing in front of them. It's the end of the world as we know it and I don't feel fine.

Bought some shit books from Oxfam that won't tax me too much when I read them but at least I will read them. There is a time for Walt Whitman, Emily Dickinson and Friedrich Nietzsche in my life. It is not now. Nick Hornby have at it.

I need to get into one of my other personalities. The nhilistic one had been around too long. I just need something nice to happen to trigger me. Doesn't have to be anything massive. Just something to go right instead of wrong or someone to be nice to me.

I might post my will up here. The one I wrote when I thought I was going to die and wasn't that bothered. The one I wrote when everyone else was being kind because they thought I was going to die. The one I wrote when I wasn't being an asshole (apart from when I was on ketamine in the hospital) because I thought I was going to die.

I remember you getting in bet with me and making it uncomfortable because there wasn't enough room. I remember lying awake and listening to you breathing and counting the breaths and knowing they were finite. It was such a sad time in my life but also strangely calming. For me dealing with dying was so much easier than dealing with a leaking roof or something breaking. I haven't been called to the hospital after my yearly scan so I presume I am ok now.

This will more than likely come up again. This is my therapy. That's why I do this.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Penultimate

This is not a suicide note.  I am not allowed to do that. That would make me the bad guy. If things were a bit different though I would deffo be eating toast in the bath. I hope I get ill again. That would be perfect. The only problem with getting ill last time was that I got better. I was ready. I was ‘at peace’. Then, as now, I have had enough. I am always tired, I always hurt. I am never shown any love and I don’t really do anything I enjoy. All the things I am supposed to enjoy either I don’t or I get stopped from doing by other people who are supposed to care about me. I am now old enough to know I will never get what I want in my life. This is it, my best days are behind me and I wasted them on making do. The sun comes out and I get sunburn in the hope that it will fix my skin. In the hope it will make me better. It just makes my skin fall off in different ways and hurt from a new angle. I look for stuff to fill the box I live in. The space is getting smaller and ...

Carnivorous Rainbows

 The fact that I now take prescription pain killers for non-prescription reasons is giving me a permanent hangover. It’s like the sun is shining in my eyes all the time. Luckily, I have sunglasses. It’s like when you are driving down a beautiful road with the desert on both sides and some plants you can’t identify walking past slowly like they are going somewhere fast. Then suddenly your body remembers all that you drank last night. ALL OF IT. All at once. It’s like hearing the voice of your ex saying things she would never have said to you. Things she would never have said before. Things she would never have said. When you have a constant headache its like you don’t have a headache at all. It is the constant. There is no other form. I have tinnitus. It’s always there. Too many sticking my head inside massive guitar amplifier for no apparent reason. Point is, I don’t notice it unless I remember to. A constant high frequency whine. I keep thinking about not taking them. Ther...