Pointless Walks......

This is not a suicide note.  I am not allowed to do that. That would make me the bad guy. If things were a bit different though I would deffo be eating toast in the bath. I hope I get ill again. That would be perfect. The only problem with getting ill last time was that I got better. I was ready. I was ‘at peace’. Then, as now, I have had enough. I am always tired, I always hurt. I am never shown any love and I don’t really do anything I enjoy. All the things I am supposed to enjoy either I don’t or I get stopped from doing by other people who are supposed to care about me. I am now old enough to know I will never get what I want in my life. This is it, my best days are behind me and I wasted them on making do. The sun comes out and I get sunburn in the hope that it will fix my skin. In the hope it will make me better. It just makes my skin fall off in different ways and hurt from a new angle. I look for stuff to fill the box I live in. The space is getting smaller and ...

 It says exactly 3000 people have been here. 3000 people have walked over my grave, not one of them has left any flowers. I don’t like a fuss. Who cares? The domain will fade as will I and I imagine this will fold in on itself like the weather sometimes does. What is it? It’s just something for me to do. It keeps me out of trouble, but at the same time it gets me in the worst trouble of my life. It’s not real. It’s just my reality. It’s just the world turning around me and me looking into the shadows to see what’s there. For some reason the radio is on. It’s the wrong day. The radio shouldn’t be on today. Have I missed a day or has a day missed me? What is happening? So where does everyone come from? It looks like the Americans wander here by mistake a lot. Where do they go? You tell me. You are them. In the grand scheme of things 3000 is not many. It’s a drop on a teaspoon that’s stirring the ocean. No-one has ever said anything either. Not one thin...

 Who? I know this one’s name. Debbi. With an I and no e. She told me that a few times. She told me a lot of things. Over and over again. Pretty with make-up prettier without. I thought she was just another girl out for a night out. Another party girl. Out with her friends who seemed not to be there right now. Where were they? Why has they left her like this? Who would abandon someone this drunk? She wasn’t drunk though. She had just been made to look that way.   Where? On a kind of upholstered bench in a club in Nottingham that had seen better days. Everything in there was something you could get stuck to. Everything in there had all the fluids spilt on it at some point. A place where the lights had gone out and not yet been replaced. Somewhere that was the same today as it was in the 70’s. She was collapsed in on herself. Leaning slightly to the left and looking peaceful as she dribbled on herself. Her glass had toppled over spilling whatever was in it all over whatev...

 The fact that I now take prescription pain killers for non-prescription reasons is giving me a permanent hangover. It’s like the sun is shining in my eyes all the time. Luckily, I have sunglasses. It’s like when you are driving down a beautiful road with the desert on both sides and some plants you can’t identify walking past slowly like they are going somewhere fast. Then suddenly your body remembers all that you drank last night. ALL OF IT. All at once. It’s like hearing the voice of your ex saying things she would never have said to you. Things she would never have said before. Things she would never have said. When you have a constant headache its like you don’t have a headache at all. It is the constant. There is no other form. I have tinnitus. It’s always there. Too many sticking my head inside massive guitar amplifier for no apparent reason. Point is, I don’t notice it unless I remember to. A constant high frequency whine. I keep thinking about not taking them. Ther...

 Who is looking through my window? Who are you? Did you come to my house by mistake? Did you think it was someone else’s house? Do you like what you see? Can you see between the cracks or is it the cracks that you are looking for? There are plenty of cracks here. Everything is blurred like you are watching a 3d film without the glasses. Rainbow light. I’m so sorry. All is soft at the moment. There is medication to be had and medication must be had. A lack of attention to detail lives in the kitchen. That’s just me. I have tried. I have tried to make things nice. As you put one shelf up another one falls. Things come crashing to the ground. Everything falls apart. It’s all so jumbled in my head. I am so many people all of whom are more interesting than me. I am so many people. But who are you? Really?

  The inbetween days. Everything just floats past. It’s mostly the prescription drugs I am having to take to stop me crying. Opiates to fix my physical used to dull my mental. Floating. The week after Christmas until just after New Year is the most transitional inbetween of them all. It’s just there. The inbetween days. Where your heart is broken and you can’t hide it. To where you can hide it a bit. To when you build up your barriers and go back to being how you present yourself to the world. When the day you looked forward to the most passes and you are in the dead time when that day will come around again and become the day you look forward to the least. The inbetween days. Where you have to decide to fix, to traverse or to break. Two of these things you can do on your own. The hardest one you can’t, The inbetween days. New Year New You. You will be fitter, stronger, thinner but there is all that shit that people bought you at Christmas that you need to get rid...