Upselling

It starts with an altercation at superdrug where a pretty girl in too much makeup  wont believe I have a loyalty card and ‘there’s nothing under your name’

Loyalty card? I have a loyalty card. I only wanted some overpriced hayfever tablets. 

No I don’t want another one. I haven’t lost it. Just don’t have it with me, I cant carry them all. I would need a massive lorry.

I escape and cross the road to poundland but I am mugged by a 12 year old asking me if I want to change my energy supplier. 

It will only take a minute. I do have a minute but you’re not having it. You’re not having it.

I do want to change my energy supplier actually because they are shit. 

But I don’t want to do it with you. I will do it with them meercat things and get to go to the pictures free and spend a fortune on overpriced popcorn that tastes like me pants.

Simples.

The big issue women is always there after she got moved on from co-op. 

She sees me and knows better.

Of course she knows better.

So I go into poundland to look at the shorts. £7? This is fucking poundland mate not fucking French Connection.

So I buy some cheap sweets instead that I have never heard of and all the colours are red. And for some reason a lighter.

‘Would you like to buy some kit kats today’ says blue hair on the tills. If I wanted some fucking kit kats mate I would have some in my basket. 

And them unbranded mints. I don’t want them. 

Well actually.

I go to pick my glasses up because they are in for repair because they got scratched to fuck after they made me pay 8 million pounds for 7 million different coatings that stopped them being scratched.

They’re not ready ‘obviously’ but I do have the chance to buy a glasses cloth if I want one. 

I don’t want one.

I DON’T EVEN WEAR GLASSES.

So back out.

And no you already asked.

And no I don’t want Sky either. I’m not paying £900 pound a month to watch Kim Kardasian.

I got pornhub mate on my fixed broadband tarriff that goes up every month. Fuck yr talk talk.

And I get home past all the offers and am told that the washing machine is fucked.

What am I a fucking washing machine repair man.

And it’s two years old and would I like an insurance plan that will cost more than the washing machine to get it fixed?

I would?

Oh and I have fucked it because I am not putting tablets in it that stop it getting fucked. 

And would I like some of those. All calls are recorded. Of course they are.

Would you like a carbon monoxide detector?

Don’t even have gas mate. Just want to wash me pants.

And the phone rings. 

And I push mu way past the piles of loyalty cards to get to the phone. Superdrug is on the top

Do I have PPI?

Do I have PPI?

I don’t even have any Kit Kats mate.

Now fuck off.